Like it or don't. I don't give a fuck.... OK that's a lie.
I do actually give a fuck but that isn't going to stop me... maybe for the first time in my life.
The next blog after this will explain a little of what the "raising a generation' project is about and what you can expect to find here in the future.. But this one is just about me. So who am I?
I am.... well... this is tricky....
Let's start with the important bit.
What am I actually like?
I am a person who has never really known who I am, even though I have a strong internal dialogue about self. I think deeply about things and I have a strong sense of right and wrong. I have a deep need to be "myself" even though I have been unable to feel secure in what that means for me and it seems to change and evolve with each minute. I have some stories to tell about this and these will come in time, some awesome tales of transformation and discovery and some dark and distressing moments and experiences that have shaped me, for better or for worse.
I cannot bear rules, unless they are clearly for a decent purpose, because I just don't get the point. And when I say rules, I mean everything from, "don't walk on the grass" to "this is what gender you are and it means this". I am willing to challenge the status quo, sometimes to my detriment and sometimes for good.
I am literally bursting with ideas all of the time and feel restricted and caged if I am not allowed to express and act on my ideas. I love working with and socialising with other people, even though I don't always find it easy to do so, and being my social self can make me exhausted. My desire to help others is strong, stemming I believe from a deep need to create a level playing field. I crave a pervasive equality in the world.
I always wanted to be a writer, and a mother. It became clear once I started to move on in education and work that I could not help but lead and educate. Whatever I do, I end up taking on these roles or being asked to. It is just my nature. I try to do it well and with integrity. I sometimes fuck it up and have to learn tough lessons.
In addition to thinking deeply, I also feel things very deeply; my own feelings, other peoples' feelings, the "energy" in a room, and the injustice in the world. I feel it all, all the time. Sometimes this leads to me feeling pretty tired and sad. I just need time and some love to recover.
I am fascinated by human behaviour, relationships and neurology and though I can be astute in support of others, I often find it more complicated to navigate my own social relationships. I don't always seem to understand the rules in social life, even before I have rejected them.
What do people see?
From the outside I am a mum of four, a wife and the managing director of a not-for-profit. To some I am also a Taekwondo coach, a sister, daughter, a massive pain the arse, and a caring friend. Sometimes all at once.
Some people see a highly competent, charming, astute and strong woman. Others see a struggling, highly emotional, somewhat incompetent and confused mess. Those who know me best, probably see it all and know I am simply doing my best.
So what's next?
Lately, I have begun to really accept parts of myself I previously rejected, hid from, couldn't see and hated. It is a process I dove deep into almost 6 years ago and one that will be forever ongoing. I feel that I have made many transformations in this time, like a child learning to run, I had to learn many other skills first. I am not sure what stage I am at now but it feels different and I feel ready to share. Right now, thanks to many amazing people in my life, I can say that...
I am enough and I matter.
Written by Emily Wilding Fackrell